Even newly weds know that they will face some challenges in their marriage, and the ones best prepared to meet those challenges will invariably fair better than those not so well prepared. Here a brief list of those challenges will be presented, not in any particular order, in the hope the information will come in handy. All newly weds bring issues into their new marriage from their previous state. Whether unmarried, therefore single, or married before and now separated or divorced. It does not matter whether the marriage is of modern coinage, or traditional: something from the previous state will be brought into the new marriage. It could be debt, health issues, employment matters, educational concerns, etc. There is indeed a wide range of concerns that are carried forward. What happens in the new marriage depends on how these legacy issues were and are handled, which is why premarital counseling is of such importance. It is esenstial that these legacy issues be identified and dealt with as quickly as possible to remove them from the equation. Of course it would be wise to lay the issues of both partners on the table, openly and honestly. Starting with the cleanest slate possible allows for more and better growth of the union because there are less distractions to be handled. If necessary, the advice of professionals should be engaged to help 'clean the slate' for the benefit of the marriage. Where legacy issues are beneficial to the marriage, like having sound financial skills, these should be retained,and if possible strengthened further. Like it or not, whether you have it, or do not have it, money will make its impact felt from the word go! It is of the utmost importance that financial matters be discussed as soon as possible, especially if discussion of finanaces did not play a big role in preparing for the marriage before or after the honeymoon preparations! A financial counselor will be among the first service professionals to be consulted, for just about everything concerning the new marriage will in one way or another involve money. If needed, either or both partners should enroll in some program to help them with the process of budgeting. Specifying the priorities of the new marriage will be very important, especially as far as money is concerned. A well devised budget can work wonders in seeing to the well-being of both partners because it eliminates impulsive monetary behavior. It goes without saying that the more income and sound planning you have to work with, the greater the prosperity enjoyed by the union. The better prepared couples will not be above a written business plan for a 3 or 5 year period as far as the financial side of marriage is concerned. Also, saving money begins on the first day of marriage, and beginning with paying yourself first, and not later, when you can afford to do so. Money will be the concern of both partners, and not just the one "who can work with money." Where you will live after the ceremonial affairs are done is important. It could mean a break with legacy matters for a clean start, or the continuation of legacy issues detrimental to your objectives. The ideal, of course, is to start in your own house where possible. Exactly where your new house will be located will depend on quite a few factors. Living with parents, from either spouse's side, could be a blessing if attitudes benevolent to the arrangement comes from both the old and new families. If there is tension from the outset, then other plans should be engaged as early as possible. The chief element affecting domicile will be what you can afford money-wise. Where money is a challenge it will naturally have an impact on other things as well. Where you will live on starting out will have an impact on the rest of your lives, so this matter will need serious attention. No doubt, this concern will present itself amongst the first issues calling for good negotiation skills, or having access to informed people respected by both parties to help steer the marriage in the best course from the start. Whether it be a hole in the ground invisible to all, or a palace perched on a hill for all to see, make it a place from which you can come forth with courage and confidence to help move the world to a better, more caring, level. Unless you're independently wealthy, you'll need some form of income, and that calls for getting employment of some sort or another. It goes without saying that the better, and more current, your skills, the more opportunities will be available to you, whether you work for yourself, or for someone else. Will both of you work? Even in rich countries, both husband and wife have to work to keep the family supplied with its financial needs. If these are not filled adequately, then there's bound to be a struggle to make ends meet. If your skills are wanting, then it may be necessary for one, or both partners, to continue formal training until skills have been improved to secure a better living. It may also be necessary to start out in an area where there is work to be found and this will present a challenge of its own, particularly if neither spouse had been away from the parental home for any length of time. If choices are wanting, then of course there is nothing else to do but to start where you are and work your way to a better standing. Work is ennobling and through it we generally find the means to improve or lot in life. It will present challenges both partners should be aware of for the sake of the marriage. Work of a secretive kind will increase tensions in the family and easing those tensions will be important for the future of the union. This is a subject that needs to be dealt with very carefully, especially the timing. What one partner expects from the other should be clearly understood. Should there be any physical challenges that are correctable, then they must be corrected. This process will call for medical insurance coverage or cash payment. If those questions cannot be solved, then alternate plans need to be made and throughly discussed so that both partners know what to expect. Adoption can be a possible response to an unsolvable fertility query, and this solution also will call for the availability of funds to pay for the services of professionals to help see that the adoption procedure goes without a hitch. Prevention is better than cure. If having children is going to put an undue burden on the marriage in any way, then precautions need to be taken to ensure that a surpise pregnancy does not derail any planned objectives. Preventing a pregnancy will be the responsibility of both partners and not just one. Children, whether natural or adopted, are a blessing, and they need to come into a situation in which they will be cared for well by both parents. They are your gift gift to the rest of the human race and the universe, and let both be proud of them. In some situations there may not be the possibility of the kind of privacy a couple may expect. Traditional values will intrude. Where in-laws are helpful and understanding, there a big blessing will reside, for they can help the couple overcome some of the early challenges of married life. Remember, the in-law parents on both sides, have had considerable experience with marriage, and they can be a source of sound guidance and leadership in many areas of wedded life. Not to heed their advice would be very sad indeed. Where in-laws are not helpful, but interfering, things can become quite unbearable for either, or both, partners. Needless to say that whatever the couple can do, short of violence, to overcome this kind of situation, must be done. Help may be available in the form of other married adults who can act as mentors in the situation, otherwise you, the partners, may have to take things into your own hands as best you can. Where law, traditional or modern, provides a way out, it should be seriously considered. While we have no choice as far as bothers and sisters are concerned, remember that in-laws are there by choice, your choice! There is no point in making that choice if your in-laws will not be honored and respected by you anywhere and everywhere! Correct and right behavior does have its rewards. Whether natural, or adopted, it has been said that they don't come with user manuals. It has likewise been posited that parenting comes without a user manual. For information on both subjects, 'get thee to a library in haste', where such is available. There is plenty of material available on both subjects. Also, in the community around you, observe the children and parents that do well. These will be your manuals in both instances. It is a sign of wisdom indeed to temper your own experiences and observations with the formal knowledge available from any reference librarian, usually free of charge. If you know, as partner in a marrriage, that you are not ready to be a parent, then this must be openly and honestly discussed with your partner before children make an appearance. In any case, this is one of the subjects that shoud have been raised during your prenuptial counseling. Where you are ready for children and parenting, allow it, on a daily basis, to show forth your nobility and magnificence, for the ones in your care will inhale that as fresh air! One of the best examples in modern times on the subject of children and parenting is the movie Lorenzo's Oil, a must see for any modern couple brave enough to tackle the estate of marriage. May you, at the right time, have many littles ones to be trained aright! Time management will be a subject of serious concern, because so much will depend on how it is handled. It is a commodity which dwindles, never to return, in its passing, and it does pass with a rapidity which is breath-taking for all its slowness. Good time usage will produce benefits in all areas of married life. Do not be afraid of watches and calendars, but make these your friends, so that you will be appropriate for the season. A married woman's time is never her own, not unless husband and wife have come to grips with the subject in a mature, responsible manner, allowing her to have time for herself. Life gathers itself at break-neck speed at times and it is here that good time management can be very helpful. Partners will do well to keep each other informed of schedule changes that may impact the time budget of the marriage. If you have, or are planning to have, children, natural or adopted, they must be taught the proper use of time. They will use it as you use it! Time is money! It is also water, fresh air, in-laws, children, etc. Prioritize to make the best of it, and it will make you the best for as long as you shall live. 9. Religion: In some parts of the world religion is everything, while in other parts of the world is just something else to be accepted or rejected. This is something to be remembered if there are any plans to move to another country. Religion can be awfully destructive and rip a marriage apart before it has time to take a breather! Where spouses have leanings towards different expressions they may wish to consider a third statement because learning the way of a new religion together may help in binding them closer together. Consider also the different views concerning children held by the religions involved. Some outlooks are easier to work with than others on this subject. Partners should study these differing interests well before committing themselves and their children to an untenable stance. On the other hand, for both traditionalists and moderns, religion can be a great source of help concerning many aspects of life, including marriage. Help can come from unexpected quarters especially during the early stages of a marriage. There will be plenty of help, not just from the leadership, but from lay people as well, on many frontiers a new marriage will encounter. Use whatever help is available to fashion the kind of marriage you want. Some say this comprises the first 3% of marriage because just about everything in a marriage can be judged by the state of health, or sickness, of marital sexual relations. Very often what seems natural can turn out to be everything but that. Sound physical, mental, and spiritual fitness is demanded by marital sexual expression. At its worst it will rip a marriage apart increasing tension and stress and leaving both partners frayed, in no condition to cope with the requirements of a marriage. Professional help must be sought as soon as possible. At its best, there is remarkable rejuvenation in all areas of life and a resistance to things that will bring harm to the union. While it is not normally anticipated, an ailment, genetic or otherwise, or an accident, may strike, that leaves one partner unable to cope with expression demands, to the point where the other partner is left to seriously consider a life without marital sexual expression. For this reason there should be more to a marriage than simply sexual satisfaction and expression. The unafflicted partner will be afflicted if sexual expression is the only foundation of the union! Professional help and a support group can help to re-orient the healthy partner so that the marriage may still continue! It is in the interests of both partners that they reach, and live,the kind of life they wish to live as quickly as possible! Where children are in the picture, then that kind of life the parents wish to embrace must include the children! It is to be remembered that what signifies quality to one couple may not do so to another couple, so that keeping up with the proverbial Joneses should be the last thing that enters into a couples' reckoning. You have your contribution to make as to what constitutes life on this planet and that contribution should not be tainted by what others do, or do not do, as long as what you do does not bring harm to yourselves or anyone else. This does not mean that you cannot learn from others. It does mean that care be exercised in adopting what comes easily and naturally to others. Many things will factor into your understanding of 'quality of life' and your first duty would be to pursue those things that matter to you, and your union, and your children if there be any, to the best of your ability. From time-to-time it will be wise of you to weigh your quality of life, review it, and if it isn't what you expected, then make the necessary corrections and get to where you wish to be! Aim high for your marriage, not just in some things, but in all things. When others see you, they must see magnificence a-walk! You must be the reason that they will review their lives, and make the needed adjustments. You may be called upon to 'take over' for your parents on either, or both sides, of your union. It is wise to plan for that day, just in case you really have to take over! Needless to say adequate funds will be demanded of you. It is not enough to say, or think, "I have other brothers and sisters who will take care of my parents," when that day comes. Why should you do it? You are blessed in that you are forewarned about the possibility of caring for those who cared for you so much, even daring the fires of perdition on your behalf if necessary. You are their gift to the universe, and they will be honored to know that they had done something right! And what if your parents were not that caring? You still see it as a priviledge to do something worthwhile for those who need it, thus engaging a mathematical system of compassion that rewards greatly in access of output. You should have sufficient funds to care for them without impinging on the needs of your marriage. It is good to begin planning for that time now! If you have children, they will learn from you caring for your parents what is to be expected of them. Their gain will be your blessing! Your marriage will be blessed if there is place and care in it for others, be they kin or not. As you mature and age, your life and what you expect from your life, will change, and the same will happen to your partner. What you expect from each other and your marriage will change as well. Sensitivity to these things does not come easily. You will have to take deliberate notice of what is happening around you in your marriage. Where additional formal training is needed embrace it for it means good health and well-being for your marriage. With children, whether natural or adopted, there will be more to look forward to not only for you and your partner but the children as well! Those without flexibility concerning these things will be hitting their heads against a wall, with the wall holding, and the heads cracking! You will need all your wits about you, for the prize to be gleaned is a great one: just like the oak sways in the breezes and winds in its early days, and it overcomes the threats from the soil, until at last it is an example of a splendid tree which is a benefit to all around it - animals, birds, and humans, so to will your marriage be a blessing to all around you! You have the examples of many marriages in different stages of development to guide you. Choose the best ones for guidance, and these changing expectations will be a blessing! They don't come too often, but when they do, old and new faces, old and new places, should be on the menu! Its time for old friends who have not been seen in a while, and the making of new friends, to remove the dust that settles on being alone and busy taking care of things, so that your marriage sparkles as in your early days. Sometimes you'll be doing the going, and other times friends will be visiting you, and both occassions should be for lifting your union to an even higher level. Fancifull? Not if you ask old Jack of all work and no play! Not fanciful if management of time and resources and skills, etc., have all been given their due, because it means you've given your marriage its due, and you have the right to reap rewards! If not, then holidays will be a burden dreaded. Holidays are for celebration! Enjoy the fruits of your hard work and a little bit of the spice of life. Meet the world and what it has to offer head-on. In this way you'll be sharing yourselves and your marriage with others, for the good of the whole! A little bit of your blessings will be rubbed off on to others, and some of their blessings will become part of you. What you'll bring home is a marriage richer in ways that will unfold themselves to you with the passage of time. There must be time for relaxation, for without it, you, your partner, and your marriage, will soon show the signs of wear and tear that make for an unpleasant sight. A worn out marriage is of no benefit to husband, wife, children, or society at large! A healthy marriage benefits greatly from relaxation. You give body, mind and spirit, a chance to recover and recuperate. In fact, relaxation gives you the reserve strength to deal with issues which require you to 'take a beating,' in order to settle them to your advantage. If you don't know how to relax, then you can teach yourself to do so. Online there are many programs that you can access to help get this important facet of life in healthy shape. Horizon expanding books and conversations, movies well chosen, outings, and so forth, keep the dust and grime away from your marriage. Yes, there must be time for doing nothing as well - well, use that time to smell a rose or watch a sunset! Walking is not only for exercise reasons, it can help you relax as well. Yoga is likewise beneficial. When you can, teach yourself self-hypnosis, and put ten minutes a day to very beneficial use for your life and marriage. Much depends on the consiousness which you bring to your union. There are 2 kinds of consiousness: a poverty consciousness and a prosperity consciousness. The first makes its presence felt in everything you do or not do. It says that need, lack, deprivation is all you embrace, and with that goes poverty, and maybe even squalor. The second is the complete opposite of the first. It makes its presence felt in everything you do or do not do. This says that abundance is with you,each and every day, every step of the way. With a bad mind set you attract everything that is bad. Every facet of life becomes an uphill battle. Even if help is given to you, it seems not to matter or improve conditions. You go from one bad situation into another bad situation, until you get to believe that life has something against you. With a good or healthy mind set, again the opposite takes place. Everything works in your favor. It doesn't matter how trifling, or serious a matter will be, you will be victorius. (It may be that the ineffective mind set is caused by an invisible agent. Areas of poverty have a musty, oily, odor about them. The odor clings to everything, hair, clothing, your skin, etc., and it could be that a gas is given off in these situations that affect the mind, through the sense of smell. You must get to an area which is devoid of this oily, musty, odor, where the air itself smells fresh and clean. The effective mind set comes from clean surroundings, and these have a good effect on the nose, therefore the mind.) Keep your wits about you because their are clean areas that harbor the foulest things imaginable, and there are poor areas in which live the salt of the Earth! A person can go from one mind set to the other. Sometimes this happens in the blink of an eye, at other times within days, or weeks, or months, or even years. It is very important that you watch carefully the thoughts that you allow to dominate your life. These also could harbor ill, or convey blessings of unlimited potential. Decide for yourself which mind set you prefer for your children, then act accordingly. We are body, mind, and spirit. The term health applies to all three. We want all three to be free of defects, particularly the kind the incapacitates us. Sometimes its very easy to distinguish these three aspects of our being, and at other times it's hard to tell where the one ends and the other begins. Important to all three will be the diet that each is fed. Food for the body, mental activity of the right degree for the mind, and something to keep the spirit flourishing. Here also,it is sometimes easy, at other times difficult, to distinguish one from the other. Physical exercise like walking, running, weight lifting, does marvels for the body, but it does not necessarily feed mind and spirit. Read all the books you want but you won't run faster, or lift a heavier weight. Meditate all you want it will not let you lose weight or add numbers any faster than you already do. Yet, in some mysterious way when each is fed its proper diet, the whole of you responds. Improve one area, and somehow the others improve as well. A healthy union depends on a healthy you. Exercise body, mind, and spirit regularly and your marriage will respond with health as well. Neglect any one of these parts and your marriage will ail as well. Unless you choose to live in isolation, you will have neighbors! By that same token, your neighbors will have you! In some cases who your neighbors will be will be a matter of choice, while in other cases, you will have no choice in the matter whatsoever. If you remain in the same village or on the same street, chances are that you know everybody, and they know you. Should you move away from that location, chances are that no one will know you, neither will you know the folks around you. Either situation, knowing or not knowing the people around you, presents an opportunity for you, in your new capacity as a spouse, or as spouses, to extend your horizon. You will not only welcome others into your lives as individuals, you will also be welcoming them into your marriage, though there'll be a big difference between the two welcomes, even though each has its own limits. Live in peace with your neighbors. Where you can extend a helping hand, do so! Without being unduly nosy, in an emergency let them know your kindness. Watch over their 'place' when they are not there. By doing these things you will add presitge to your marriage. We receive in kind that which we give, and sometimes that kind can be far in access of what we give. Life is not life without trouble of one sort or another coming our way. Some things will be of your own doings, some caused by others, and still some other things simply happen. Be very careful to differentiate one from the other. It can very easily happen that the telephone bill is not paid, and the service disconnected. Pay the bill, and don't get into the 'blame game,' for this game has a funny way of creating doubt and mistrust, things that fester long after the cause has been removed. If not watched carefully, it can easily escalate into a 'button pressing' competition, which will bring sadness into your marriage. If your child's friend comes over to your house, and has an accident of some sort, investigate carefully before blaming your child, or the neighbor's child, for either way you'll be remembered negatively. Do find the cause and address the matter fairly. If the government makes a decision that impacts you negatively, don't take it out on others in the family. If you can do something to address the decision either personally or collectively with others, then do so. Trouble is an invitation to 'make things better,' not just for yourself, but for as many people as you can. Remember that the feelings we have when things go awry present an opportunity to reprogramme ourselves and not take things out on others. And the last word, which should have come first, everything depends on the decision to get married in the first place. Simply a contractual thing? Then you'll be dealing with village elders a lot in a traditional setting, and lawyers in a modern setting. Contracts are merciless things - you either live up to them, or they'll turn around and bite you where, and when, you least expect, and then you'll have those elders and lawyers humming and hawing about and around you insisting that the law be fulfilled or else! However, if that decision is an irrevocable one from the outset, then "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health" or any modern expression you wish to use to seal the decision, all these things fly out the door, because nothing in heaven or hell or in the uncharted depths of the universe will weigh against you. It really is amazing what the quality of a decision can do for a marriage, or anything else for that matter. Some may think this is a joke, but all those on the planet who have already made a decision of this calibre, will tell you that it is not a joke. If others can do it, you can do it also! It may mean you have to pause and consider things again: do so! Your marriage will love you for it! |
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